Sunday, June 20, 2010

#3: Haters

"Hate on me, hater, now or later"-- Jill Scott

In life, there will inevitably be those people who dislike you. It could be your fault—you could be a lame or just an asshole. But in certain situations, people hate you for reasons out of your control: talent, beauty, intelligence, flyness, success, impeccable swagger— any of these could serve as a cause for hateration. While some people are bothered by the fact they may be hated on for such petty reasons, black people do not share this concern. Ever resilient, black people are used to experiencing a degree of hostility for their existence, so haters ain’t nothin’. In fact, black people have come to grow fond of haters, I would go so far as to say after “real people,” haters are the group most beloved by black people.

Having haters has a myriad of implications/meanings:

  1. Black people love to feel important. Having haters means that there are people out there who think you are important enough to be watched. Naturally, people pay no mind to those they deem unimportant—they don’t even think about them! A hater immediately alerts a black person that he or she is on someone’s radar without even trying.
  2. You have an emotional affect on the hater, which means you have power.
  3. Assurance that a black person is coming correct.
  4. Probably the best implication: having haters means there is always going to be a present and attentive audience to witness a black person’s triumps, which are further sweetened by the fact that that black person now has an opportunity to do another favorite black people activity: boasting.
  5. Haters add fuel to the fire. Once a black person knows he or she has haters, they also know they are probably going to just grow more fabulous, starting the cycle of hate over again.

Black people can barely contain their excitement when they find out they have haters. It’s like finally getting that reparations check in the mail—there are so many exciting things to do with the money! So it is with haters— there are so many reactions a black person can have, but the most popular ones are:

Acknowledgement: To let the haters know we see them.

Dismissal: Oftimes followed by acknowledgement.

•Encouragement: Let the hater know to continue hating

Gratitude: Thanking haters for making their success possible

Affection: Showing love to haters for abovementioned success.

No matter the nature of the hate or the subsequent reaction, one thing says the same: the black person continues in the action/s that caused the hate in the first place.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

#2: Identifying Fake People

As much fun as being a black person is, under certain conditions it's not so easy. With a history of getting generally screwed over, it is important for black people to discern who they can trust and who they cannot, between those people who are really friends of black folk and John Mayer. As a result, black people have a very keen fake-dar, that is, identifying those individuals whose friendliness is a thin veil for dark ulterior motives.

Black people have over the years made it very clear that fake people are absolutely intolerable. Physically pointing out and publicly shaming these fakies is encouraged, just to make it easy and save others the ugly hardship of finding out someone they may associate with is indeed the ever-abhorred fake ass nigga.

Besides keeping fake people in check, outing fake people is also beneficial to those real folk, as being real is a quality cherished by black people the world over. Once you have been identified as a real dude/female, you are free to mix and mingle to your heart's content amongst the realest of black people.

If not: trust and believe you will be cut off with the quickness. Enjoy a life of red-letter status contempt and stank looks

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

#1 Boasting

"I don't brag, I mostly boast" -- Missy Elliott

One thing that is befuddling to many people is the overwhelming amount of self-confidence black people have. You would think that after hundreds of years of oppression and being told that we're not good enough, we would be the racial group with the lowest self- esteem. But be it DNA or the fact that black people are just highly self-aware about how nice we are, turns out that black people probably are the most confident group of people in the world.

In the world? Not even an overstatement. Consider the musings of Muhammad Ali:

Note how all the white people think he's being hilarious, when in reality, Mr. Ali was probably just being real. Everyone's all "hahaha, Ali you so funny," and Ali is like, "wait, but dead ass though..." Dude even called himself the (with capitals) "World's Greatest." But he is not alone. Black people stay proclaiming themselves the best. Lil' Wayne calls himself "The Greatest Rapper Alive," and Jay-Z decided to name himself God because he is that nice at rapping. And hello? Why do you think white people call Barack Obama an elitist?

The thing that is so unique about black people's tendency to let everyone know how great we are, is that 100% of the time we believe it. Every nigga swear he/she is that nigga. No matter what. A black person can be publicly embarassed, shamed, tarred and feathered, and come back from it singing the same song.

Do not think that black people are limited in the avenues we use for boasting. We realize that not everyone is going to be able to physically hear us or understand what we are saying, so we exercize every aspect of human expression to get our boastful nature across. Why do you think black people gesture so much? The swag is so overwhelming, it takes over our whole bodies. Why just say you're good when you can also show it? This is why on many occasions, black people wind up looking like this in photos:

The boastful self-importance of these young men is easy to discern in this photo.

For black people, there is never an innapropriate time or place when it comes to boasting. Boasting is always acceptable, even if it means you have to interrupt your moment of glory. This nigga Usain Bolt is a prime example. Dude slowed down during an Olympic race to maximize his boasting time and future boasting potential. Now that's a champion boaster. Why wait 'til you've actually shattered the world record to let everyone know you did? Why break a world record performing at your full potential, when you can slow down, still break the record, and leave enough time for you to do it again, so you continue to boast about how nice you are in the future? There's a man who plans ahead.

So If you ever come upon a black person, especially in a setting that involves competition, dancing, or just general living, don't start feelin' some type of way when that black person starts talking about his/her virtuosity in whatever activity. Just smile and respect that whether or not this percieved niceness is an actual reality, it is very much a reality for that black person.

And hey, why wouldn't we boast? Especially when we're clearly significantly better at it than everyone else.